i can catch it

that's it. that is just it.

to feel so happy and fulfilled, with ambition and the knowledge that one can succeed.

i feel like i've been facing a life filled with failure, even with no prior evidence.

i just want to chase that feeling, wanting to be satisfied, and challenged and vindicated, as well as happy and excited - all at the same time.

i gotta let that all go and let it be what it is, furthermore, read the books on meditation i bought today and actually start meditating so i can feel so powerful all the time.

to think clearly and see things as they are, who'd have thought.

why is it not more virtuous?

maybe i'll never have kids and just keep cats.

Bubbah sleeps with me under the covers, so understandably precious is the word most used around my house to describe our fabulous feline friends.

my ideal life, writing a blog post.

*Push play to see me type this as you read it and hear the song i was listening to.

its 9:38 on a Tuesday night.

in my ideal life, exhaustion is the result of bodily fatigue from yoga, exercise, and spending time outdoors; mental fatigue not from things that confuse me but crosswords and studying that which gives me energy from new understanding.

in my ideal life, when i start to feel like i need some time to myself, i take it.

in my ideal life i treat myself better and more gently.

in my ideal life, the acquisition money and accumulation of wealth is not my goal, but to live a life so rich it matters not how much money i have.

in my ideal life my soul is rich, i act silly often, and spend much time outdoors.

in my ideal life i know what is good for me and i do what is good for me.

in my ideal life i waste no time with petty thoughts, conversation, or actions.

and in my ideal life i laugh as much as i do in my current life but i go to bed when i'm as tired as i am right this moment!

(just had to get this out of me and put it somewhere)

i'm about to cut my hair rly rly short. with clippers. yah. like a boy.

p.s. - here ya go, kan:

to my dismay, my hairstylist recommended not using the clippers just yet, as the regrowth would result in some funky looking tones of blonde. but its still pretty short on the sides. i can't wait until next time when it's truly zzzzzzzzz...clippered.

an epic walk

decided to go to Diamond Fork hot springs yesterday. a simple journey to some hot pots turned into the first end endurance challenge of 2010.

and we were victorious.

we made it to the canyon in fine time, but the backdoor gate that lead to a shorter hiking distance on foot was locked. so we went to the front door but had to hike 2 miles to get to the actual trailhead; the road leading to it also left us locked behind a gate.

so after hiking 2 miles to the trailhead , we hiked another 2 miles or so to get to the hot pots. we only bathed for about 45 minutes. knowing the sun would set at 5:32pm, we decided to leave at 5pm, and even then we knew we'd be hiking back in the dark.

and though we hiked in the dark for an hour or so, and it began to snow, my mind remained clear and my legs kept walking. a hugely personal victory because i usually hike really poorly. really poorly. i didn't get hungry or thirsty, and i didn't lose it mentally. it was truly one for the books. 9 miles on a whim in the snow (though we had plenty of the right kind of supplies.)

my rewards for making it: snuggling with these two in our awesome bedroom while watching The Wire. well worth it.

three women

today I am one of probably only three people who remember that its my brother Matt's birthday. he was very nice, and funny, and innocent, but decided to check out in October of 1994. he'd be 34 today. so this is just a shout-out to him, because wherever and whatever he is now, I know he's doin' just fine. these photos are framed and reside on my desk.

I was looking through photos taken in 2009 after I'd been thinking about taking photos yesterday. A trip to a friend's art studio left me feeling really dry on the creative front, and as I was looking through the photos, I decided to make a little movie collage.

I really like making little movies.

If you're not Ryan you might not get much out of it, cause it's mostly pictures of our cats and things we did together, probably pretty uninteresting to the casual observer, but if you want to view it you can do so here.

I am definitely going to take some pictures today and practice voicing. I'll post the pictures later. I wish it were snowing today instead of Wednesday.

Oh yeah, this is my friends studio. I'm going to go there and hang out with him while he works, just be soak up the creative juices.

p.s. - pictures:

Looking down Emigration Canyon.

My buddy Steve and I are not happy about it.

Polaroid.

Animal Tracks.